The time has come . . .
I never think about food
unless I'm trying NOT to think about food.
Sometimes the human mind sucks.
I often wonder if I am the only person who does this. You know when the news talks about fat people and puts up random shots of fat people walking around some unreconizable city? You know the ones, they either do front shots with the head of the person cut off or a super flattering shot from the back? And, everyone of them are frumpy and, in my opinion, poorly dressed. At least I think so. It is such a fear of mine to recognize my posterior on the evening news. I know it will probably never happen and these are just stock footage from 1987, but I can't help but examine these people to see if they are me, or someone I know. Who are these people? Do they know that they are on the news? Have they seen themselves? I think this is going to be a mystery for a long time coming, but I will forever be on the lookout for myself on the news . . . I just can't help it.
I am a big fatso right now. And I'm to the point where I can't even trick myself into thinking that my clothes can hide the fatsoness anymore. And what makes it worse is I've noticed a shift in the way people talk to me.
A while ago I went to meet a friend at the fitness center that he worked at. He is a former personal trainer, who, for the past three years has been saying he is going to help me get back into shape (hey, round is a shape). He of course has never let himself go, and doesn’t fully understand how or why anyone could do this to themselves. Anyway, while we were there we talked to some of the staff about the facilities and the programs they offer. Or should I say several people talked to my friend and only glanced at me . . . answering all of our questions directly to him. I guess they looked at my fat gut and thought, "don’t make eye contact with the fat guy . . . he might eat you next."
Moreso lately I find myself avoiding social situations that I would normally be interested in attending. Why? Because I don't feel good about myself right now. I don't feel good about how I look. And I'm feeling really beaten down. And then I finally get it. It’s easy being like this . . . No, really it is. It takes very little effort on my part to maintain this physique. I get how you can get yourself to a point physically that's really hard to get out of. You go to the gym and people laugh at you. Friends who are supposed to love you stop giving you gentle hints and get really mean and insensitive. And you find yourself not wanting to leave your house because you're ashamed of yourself. So what do I do? I avoid everyone and everything and I stay home and eat! I cannot stay here any longer. Now I just have to find the energy to fight it.
How long will it take to break the “fat guy” image from my mind? I ask myself that question so often. After years of the same old messages playing in my head, “you are too fat to wear that . . . you can’t go there because you are too fat . . . don’t try to keep up with them, you are too fat . . . stop drawing attention to yourself, people will see that you are fat,” I find it difficult to see a new image in the mirror. Every glance of myself seems to replay the same ugly tune:
YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO FAT.
So now I’m the proud owner of a gym membership.
Yep. I have joined a gym.
I am finally going to do something other than bi***about my fat because . . .
fat doesn’t come off just because you bi*** about it.
Now if this doesn’t work . . . I’m going to buy myself a tapeworm!
~ ~ ~ Started 01-01-07 ~ ~ ~
9 comments:
I always wondered the same thing. do these people know they are being taped? probably not. i too wondered when i will have my 5 minutes of fame for being horizontally gifted.
so i'm wondering, is one of the things you are giving up, wearing your speedo to every family gathering? i've stopped wearing my daisy dukes.
i'm proud of you getting the gym membership!! hillary has a membership to golds gym as well if you want a stylin partner. i will join the one amy goes to if i join any.
I think i'll stick to the tapeworm. they've got a deal deal on tapeworms at Pottery Barn & Tapeworm. Or try Abercromie and Tapeworm but they are much more expensive there. Dont get one at McTapeworm because you'll probably get salmonella with it.
Mike, it seems as if you had a cleansing moment there. Actually it was quite painful because I pretty much feel all those same feelings--only I haven't joined the gym. I think I'm going to stick with Lisa and go the tapeworm route. Let me know Lisa. We all know I can't do it the other way. Ahhh, I'm such a failure. Good Luck Mike!!!! I think you are awesome!
This reminded me of the weirdest thing Gary and I saw the other night. The news was doing some clip about how Utah and gotten bigger lately and they were doing the typical below the face shots of "fat" people, but these people were not fat. Not even remotely fat. They weren't super skinny, but it was really weird.
Anyway, that's cool that you joined a gym. I can't stand the gym - all I do is compare myself to other people (mostly noticing how much flatter I am than all the other girls - TMI? sorry.)
Go Mike!
That's strange Heidi, I noticed that most if not all of the girls there are flatter than me.
mike! i was just kidding! i have never thought of you as tubby, honestly, but cool that you are doing it. good for you. it was quite the window into the sould of loudboy. good luck my friend.
Hey did you watch Oprah yesterday? It was very inspiring. It made me want to start, too. Although a tapeworm would be awesome.
Good job and good luck!
hey! i ate pie today! Go lisa!
You go Mike!!
So how goes it? Don't worry, I am still being the constant here and eating for the both of us. Good luck to you. . . actually. . . good luck to me!!!!!
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